03.03.08
17-month-old’s Growing Pains (i.e. Tantrums)
Posted by monkeybusinessbaby on February 29, 2008:
Miss Gina,
My little busy boy is 17 months old and into everything. When we tell him “No” he throws a big fit. He gets over it quickly so I am not overly concerned at this point but he also hits when he does not get his way and this I have a problem with. It took alot to remain composed the other day when he cracked me in the head with the mouse from my computer. OUCH!! He will also take whacks at the dogs if they are near by and he is not getting his way.
Is there anything at this age I can do to teach him this is not acceptable behavior. I have tried to tell him to be nice and that he is hurting mommy/daddy but nothing works.
Looking forward to some help with the whipper snapper.
Dear Monkeybusinessbaby,
I can feel your pain - literally! It is not easy to stand by calmly while our youngsters release their frustrations on us. Since anger is a valid emotion that can and should be expressed in an acceptable manner, your job is to help him learn how to safely deal with his anger.
My first suggestion toward lessening your son’s tantrums is…are you ready for this nugget of wisdom?…to avoid situations that spark the tantrums. Stay with me here. The best example of this is the delicate balance of the use of the word no. Your son is in that delicate stage when he’s trying to learn and grow through exploring with all of his senses. Unfortunately, not everything in his environment is safe to explore this fully and he’ll naturally hear “No!” pretty often. The less you use the word, the fewer potential tantrums he’ll have.
How is this possible without becoming your son’s doormat? Start by child-proofing your home. Get down on hands and knees, put away things he shouldn’t have, cover outlet holes, etc. Here is a pretty comprehensive article on child-proofing to start. With a child-friendly environment where he is safe to explore, theoretically, you’ll already use the word less and the fewer tantrums he’ll have.
Next, try to head off potentials for disaster by preparing him. Tell him what you want him to do versus what you don’t want him to do. Like, “We pet the dog’s back. See (as you model the action). He likes gentle hands.” Instead of, “Don’t pull the dog’s tail,” as he approaches the dog. This helps the child visualize what should be done. If you know that a certain situation may set off an episode, share your expectations beforehand in short sentences, not long drawn out explanations that will lose his attention. For instance, tell your son, “We’re going to play at Joe’s house today. Let’s remember to keep the toys in Joe’s room,” or “Mommy’s buying food at the store and you get to choose 1 treat,” and stick to your word! If he knows that tantrums create results, his behavior will be reinforced.
Also, instead of using commanding statements, like “Get in the tub”, try offering choices to your child, like, “Would you like blue or red water for your bath?” (just add a few drops of food coloring to the water) or “Should we play with balls or boats in the bath?” Giving choices removes the suggestion of power from children who may be in the mood for a power struggle.
Of course, if a child just wants to enjoy a good battle, a good teacher would tell you that bored children are mis-behaving children. Tucking away some of a child’s toys and rotating them weekly or monthly somehow makes them new again in the child’s eyes when brought back out and therefore they usually play longer and more intensely with them after an absence. If boredom is the root cause of a child’s misbehavior (the child keeps getting into things, keeps hearing, “No!” and gets increasingly frustrated) try this. Keep a bucket of blocks or cars, a bean or rice bucket, or play dough tucked away for when boredom arises. (Pounding play dough is another great stress reliever!)
Since nothing is fool-proof there are sure to be some tantrums. Here are some ideas for those times. Once a tantrum starts, make sure other children are out of harm’s way and that adults are on guard, then give him words. Say with feeling, “You’re mad! You wanted the ball! You want to hit something! Punch this pillow!” Then, give that pillow a beating it’ll never forget! Your child will probably be confused initially by your actions and stop his antics at least long enough to watch you. He may even join in teaching that pillow a lesson. Let him say, “I’m mad!” so he learns that is a safe way to express his feelings. Often, children will turn on the smiles as they release their aggression and they see the humor and fun in what they are doing.
When you can’t completely rid your child of all tantrums, forecast them. You’ve now witnessed several episodes and are probably getting keen on predicting a tantrum coming on. Let’s say your son is jumping off the couch onto the hardwood floor near your pointy cornered coffee table. If you expect a tantrum during a moment of discipline, be ready. Get close to your child, squat down to his level, place your hands gently on his arms as you look into his eyes and say, “That’s danger! We sit on the couch.” You are ready to grab his arms if he decides to strike out, stopping him in the moment. You can immediately take his arms and hit them on the pillow. If your child is out of control and you feel strong enough, you can wrap your arms around him with his back against your chest, holding him firmly while rocking and singing calmly until he relaxes. (Watch his head and feet, especially if he has shoes on.) Otherwise, quickly scoop him up and take him to his room (a supposed safe zone) and shut the door until his tantrum is over. Show no emotion while doing this, saying only, “You may throw a fit in here.” This is as much to protect your child as it is to protect other adults, children and pets. After several of these time-outs, many children start to run to their safe zone when they feel out of control. Depending on where you are, you can completely ignore the tantrum by removing yourself from the area (perfect if you’re both in his room when it happens or an otherwise safe spot). With no one around to watch his antics, he’ll likely calm down.
Back to the original situation, if he chooses to sit when asked, you are right there to hug him and offer that immediate reward. Make every attempt to respond each time he follows directions without throwing a fit and be sure to tell him how proud you are. If you feel your child would enjoy it, create a behavior chart like this one to document each time he acts appropriately in a questionable situation.
So, to review and put the suggestions in an easy to reference format, to head off a tantrum, try to:
- Avoid situations that are likely to spark a tantrum.
- Child-proof to create a child-safe environment within which to explore.
- Prepare your child before potential tantrums.
- Speak in positive, short sentences; telling your child what to do, instead of what not to do (model behavior as needed).
- Stick to your word! Be consistent!
- Offer choices instead of commands.
- Keep your child actively engaged in fun activities.
Once a tantrum begins:
- Clear the area of other children and pets.
- Give him words, “I’m mad!”
- Model appropriate behavior (punching a pillow).
- Forecast tantrums; get close and stand ready.
- Try holding him through a tantrum, removing him to his room (or other safe zone), or removing yourself as appropriate.
- Praise, praise, praise when he responds as you would like! Consider a Good Behavior chart.
Of course, not all of these suggestions work all of the time or with all children. Depending on your child’s temperament, some may work one day and not the next. This is the joy of getting to know your child and growing together.
